Like many human beings with functioning brain activity, I am a pretty big fan of the show “Seinfeld.”
Thanks to reruns and illegal YouTube uploads, I’ve seen a vast majority of “Seinfeld” episodes on several occasions. I must say the most important episode of the series, in the context of affecting my cultural heritage on a personal level, is “The Strike.”
“The Strike” introduces the celebration of “Festivus,” a non-commercialized alternative to Christmas. One of the key aspects of Festivus is the “Airing of Grievances,” in which members of the Festivus dinner party take turns explaining the many ways the people in their lives have disappointed them.
I have some grievances I would like to release into the stratosphere of this printed newspaper, and if you are reading this on the Internet, I hope to release my grievances there, as well.
Without further ado, here are my grievances in honor of Festivus 2012:
Grievance No. 1 – “YOLO?” You don’t say?
For the uninitiated individuals who are unfamiliar with the concept, YOLO is an acronym for the saying, “You Only Live Once.”
The biggest issue I have with YOLO is the fact that it simply states a well-known fact. Human beings, on average, live exactly one time in their lifetime.
Now that we all understand that we do, in fact, only live once, can we not use this as an excuse to chug boxed wine into our buttholes?
Grievance No. 2 – The affront against the “white establishment.”
During the Fox News coverage of the 2012 presidential election, Bill O’Reilly, host of the Fox News program “The O’Reilly Factor,” stated the “white establishment is now the minority,” and we no longer live in the “traditional America.”
A study by the Pew Research Center indicates white people totaled 63 percent of the population in the United States in 2011, and will total 47 percent of the U.S. population in 2050.
Of course, these statistics simply discuss white people. I want to know what in the hell is the “white establishment?”
In 2007, O’Reilly complained about the degradation of the “white, Christian male power structure” in the United States.
If you really want to see this “power structure,” look at the 2010 census report from the Alliance for Board Diversity, who reports over 77 percent of board members for Fortune 500 companies are white males. On top of that, nearly 95 percent of board chairs for Fortune 500 companies are white males.
O’Reilly’s rants signify the ramblings of a rich, old white dude complaining about a nonexistent reduction of old, rich white dudes in America.
As a white male, the one thing I know I control on a daily basis is my bowel movement. However, one especially intense session of Taco Bell can take all the control away from me.
Do you think Bill O’Reilly likes Taco Bell? Maybe we can get a sack of chalupas and physically experience the “decline” of our race.
Grievance No. 3 – Dubstep needs to dubstop.
Womp womp womp womp. Blippity bleepity bloopity beep. Weemp womp.
The previous sentence is complete gibberish, which is also the perfect way to explain the incessant belligerence apparent in much of dubstep I’ve both willingly and unwillingly exposed to my eardrums.
Dubstep, for some reason, inhabits everything from dance clubs to commercials advertising internet browsers. As a result, these commercials and dance clubs sound like incontinent rhinos chewing on rabid chimpanzees.
We can do better than this, Planet Earth. We’re going to survive the upcoming apocalyptic threat.
That’s right, Mayans. We are going to survive your supposed “prediction.”
Here’s our second chance. Let’s aim to do better, right the wrongs and alleviate the grievances of our fellow humans.