In the twilight of this decade’s existence, we should reflect on the belief that this decade should have never happened. Remember Y2K? That was supposed to be the end of the world, right? I mean, the internet told me so, and the internet’s never wrong, so I’m right about this, right?
No. I’m wrong. Y2K was bullcrap, and most of the time, so is the internet.
However, one thing I’m never wrong about is movies. I value and respect my own opinion enough so that I believe I would be doing a disservice if I didn’t give the people of this great campus the opportunity to agree with me wholeheartedly.
You can disagree with me if you’d like. I would just ask you to not let anybody know about this publically, because I don’t want to be the cause of your public embarrassment.
Now, without further ado, these… are the best and worst films of the 2000s, or the ‘00s, or whatever we call this decade.
THE BEST
- Super Troopers (2001); Directed by Jay Chandrasekhar
I’ve lost count how many times I’ve been late to class, work, my grandmother’s birthday, etc., because I caught this movie while flipping through basic cable. There is always something fresh and rewarding when I witness the methods, hijinx, and, dare I say, shenanigans, of the most incompetent law enforcement department in the history of American cinema.
- Man on Wire (2008); Directed by James Marsh
In 1974, Phillipe Petit walked a tight-rope between the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. Watch this story told by the 6:00 news, and you would think this Petit guy is a crazy, out-of-his-mind lunatic. Watch this incredible documentary, detailing the years of preparation, the unbelievable process of actually getting the rope across the towers and the man on that wire, and you’ll see Petit in a much more inspiring light.
- JCVD (2008); Directed by Mabrouk El Mechri
During my childhood, while most kids were watching Barney the Dinosaur, I was watching Jean-Claude Van Damme beat the living snot out of Bolo Yeung in Bloodsport. Van Damme’s screen persona is that of the ultimate bad-ass. In JCVD, he isn’t that bad-ass. He’s simply Jean-Claude, a man with no money in the middle of a child custody battle. When placed in the middle of a hostage situation, he is forced to reflect on his life, and the audience is forced to reflect on their preconceived notions of what they thought of Van Damme. A stunning satire on the status of celebrity culture in the world, JCVD contains six of the most genuine minutes of cinema, where Van Damme tells the audience that for him, it isn’t a movie, but “real life.”
- Sin City (2005); Directed by Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller.
An incredible visual adaptation of co-director Frank Miller’s ultra-violent, black-and-white pulp comics, Robert Rodriquez utilizes all of the benefits of digital cinema while minimizing the digital medium’s flaws. The photography is absolutely stunning, and the fact that 100% of the movie is shot in a studio in front of a green-screen is awe-inspiring. Also, hearing my mom giggle uncontrollably when Bruce Willis rips off a man’s genitals with his bare hands is, and will probably forever be, the greatest movie-going experience of my life.
- Almost Famous (2000); Directed by Cameron Crowe
I know I didn’t put this list in any particular order, but just to clarify; this is without a doubt the best movie of the decade. There are exceptional amounts of poignancy, nostalgia, emotion, and hilarity simply dripping from every single frame of this 122-minute film. Having been in my share of rock n’ roll bands over the years, I can attest to the chemistry, camaraderie, and occasional resentment displayed between the members of the fictional band Stillwater. Egotistical lead singers, libido-driven guitar players, unknown bass players. It’s all there, and it’s all real. And yes, the chicks are great.
THE WORST
- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008); Directed by David Fincher
F. Scott Fitzgerald’s original 27-page short story is a quick, enjoyable read with enough profound examinations on the mutual evolutions of individuals and relationships that invite multiple reads. David Fincher’s adaptation stretches those 27 pages to an unbearable three hours, filling the spaces with overwrought melodrama and bothersome character animation. I wasn’t in awe of the creation of Brad Patt’s portrayal of a human being aging backwards; I was freaked out. There was absolutely no humanity in this picture. I might as well have been looking at a bunch of ones and zeroes floating on the screen.
- The Wicker Man (2006); Directed by Neil LaBute
This film is a strange breed. It no doubt deserves to be considered one of the worst films of this decade, but at the same time, I can watch this movie over and over again. Why? Nicholas Cage. His campy, “this movie is a piece of crap regardless, so I’m gonna go out there and act weird because I already got paid” performance is truly awe-inspiring. The set-ups are atrocious, the talent surrounding Cage is beyond reproach, but the wonderfully random moments of audacity - such as Cage sucker-punching an old lady while wearing a bear costume - make this not as much a movie as it is an experience.
- Twilight (2008); Directed by Catherine Hardwicke
Twilight is just another reason, among many, why I fail to truly understand the female psyche. For example: there’s a scene where the super-pale vampire stands in the sun and sparkles, because that’s obviously what happens to vampires in real life. All that stuff in those old vampire books about combusting at the moment of contact with sunlight? That crap’s for the birds. A little while after this, the super-pale vampire tells the lead chick that he is a blood-thirsty vampire, and that she should stay away from him because whenever she’s around, he has an insatiable thirst to murder her where she stands and suck the blood from her body. The chick’s response? “I don’t care.” What the hell? The saddest thing I’ve come to realize from this Twilight phenomenon is the fact that women are dumb. Women are so dumb, they are almost as dumb as men. Now that’s disturbing.
- Juarez, Mexico (2005); Directed by James Cahill
Think of one of those late-night, soft-core Skinemax pornos. Now, take away the tastefully-choreographed simulated sex scenes, as well as the respectable acting and witty screenwriting. The result? Juarez, Mexico. The movie stars a tiny Asian man playing a karate-fighting private detective named Johnny Cash. Seriously. No chemical in the world can inebriate a viewer enough to enjoy this film for the slightest reason. Avoid this not like it is swine flu; more like if it is wild boar cancer.
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