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Of all the things the Internet can do for the common person, wasting time is the best. We've all got a speed dial list of our favorite flash games, fantasy sports teams, odd news articles, horoscopes, questionnaires and obscure fan sites dedicated to Rachel Weisz or King Kong or what have you.

After a while, though, the Yahoo word puzzles start to get stale, you run out of comics to browse, and blogs are just bloody stupid. With our attention spans dwindling by the music video and the horizon of the Internet drawing close enough to touch, what are you going to do with yourself when you need a good excuse to procrastinate on your AutoCAD project or that paper about Baroque Peruvian flatware from the 1700s?

Forget "Everquest," and move over "Counterstrike." You guys gotta hear about the latest innovation in online death and mayhem.

It seems some genius in Texas (where else?) has rigged a rifle and camera on his ranch so that anyone on the Internet, anywhere in the world, can remotely shoot the wildlife there. According to CNN, "The Web site already offers target practice with a .22 caliber rifle and could soon let hunters shoot at deer, antelope and wild pigs." Apparently, the great innovator behind this idea was looking at deer on a wildlife preservation Web site's live-feed camera one day when his buddy said, "If you just had a gun for that." "A little light bulb went off in my head," the site's creator said.

As an added option, the ranch operators can send an attendant out in the field to collect the body after you've clicked it to death and ship the "trophy" to you via FedEx.

This is when the real sport emerges. I can imagine the gleeful half-lit faces of hackers around the globe as they wait for that assistant to go out there so they can give him a bullet in his ass.

It is now official: You never have to leave your house again to enjoy all the comforts of life. First it was 24-hour news; then you could buy books, groceries and mail-order brides over the phone; then online games and instant messengers took away the need to interact socially in the real world. We all knew there was something missing, though, because behind it all, we realized that all we were doing was reading, downloading, purchasing -- in a word, consuming. The final thing we needed was a way to reach out and touch someone, or in this case, you know, kill them. Now the Internet is complete.

But it doesn't end there, oh no! Just imagine what else we can still do via the Internet now that this new door in audience participation has opened? So maybe you can't hunt elephants or gorillas legally anymore; that doesn't mean you can't visit your favorite zoo's Webcam and poke them with a stick. This is "Reality Internet," the ultimate in vicarious multimedia interaction.

Think of it, you could administer hospitalized people their meds via remote or pick out a complete stranger's wardrobe for the day by popular vote. You could go Internet fishing while you study (since in either event, you'd mostly be sitting around, but this way you don't have to pee in a coffee can) while you simultaneously sew a shirt in Malaysia, flush a toilet in Minnesota, fly a passenger jet to Spokane, or engage in riots with prison inmates.

I think we need an Internet entry in the Indy 500 next year. How sweet would that be? We could turn that sucker into a demolition derby, since there's no real consequence for the Reality Internet participant. It would be just like playing Mario Kart, but this would be much better because the people who are actually there would be in serious danger, which of course makes it that much more exciting for everyone.

I used to have this dream that one day nations will go to war by combining their best "Warcraft" strategists, flight simulator pilots and "Counterstrike" champions into a virtual army that could be pitted against another nation's pixilated warriors to settle all the disputes we fight wars over now, like religion, pride and natural resources. Consider it online gambling -- like playing backgammon against China for whaling rights. The problem I kept running into is what would happen when a delegation from Zimbabwe comes over to collect New Orleans, which they just happened to win in a spirited game of Virtual Pong. "Um, no," the United States would reply, "We're still bigger than you."

I see now, however, that I had it all backward: Instead of virtual people and virtual death, this new Web site is blazing the trail for the armchair war machine. Imagine! We could have an Internet-sponsored tank in Fallujah right now, and any civilian with a valid credit card can become part of the action! Yes, you too could listen to your favorite song, sip a peach smoothie and blow thy enemies into tiny bits with virtually (ha) no risk and very little effort. It's a revolution in virtual reality, and the future is now!

I just have to ask, though, what was wrong with "Deer Hunter?" Why is it so important for the guy at home to know that something is really being shot on the other end of his mouse click? Is it pass� to use our imaginations in the age of self-conscious "reality?" What kind of reality are we being sold? Is the experience itself no longer worth the effort, or is it the consequence we want to keep at a distance?

Jeff Burright is a senior in English. The opinions expressed in his columns, which appear every Thursday, do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Barometer staff. Burright can be reached at forum@dailybarometer.com.

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