Dear Dr. Argo,

Do you think that someone has to be sexually attracted to another person in order for the relationship to be successful in the long run?

--Interested but not attracted

Dear interested, but not attracted,

I would say that yes, usually, if a romantic relationship is going to be successful long-term there must be sexual/physical attraction between the two persons.  There are several things you might consider as you think about this further.

Most people come across persons in their lifetime whom they are very sexually attracted to.  It would be very hard, and possibly inappropriate, to remain committed to a person whom you are not attracted to after you meet someone who not only are you attracted to, but see yourself as compatible with long-term.  You may find yourself feeling stuck at that point either because of children, a house, family or other obligations.  This is when persons are often tempted to cheat on a partner.  They have reasons to stay in the relationship, but it is not fulfilling sexually.  Infidelity is extremely hurtful and usually not something any of the persons involved in sees as particularly fulfilling or healthy.

If the person you are not attracted to, but whom you decide to commit to, is attracted to you, there will be many hurt feelings when you reject their affection/sexual advances.  Over time, if an attraction did not develop, that person may realize that they settled for loving someone who doesn't feel the same and they may leave you.  Given your decision to commit to them, you would likely feel at least disappointed if not turned upside down and devastated. 

  Some people wonder if a sexual attraction that was initially not present could grow over time.  Yes, that has been known to happen.  Many cultures in which matches are not made by the persons in them but by parents or others have described this phenomenon.  These usually come about because as you get to know the person you see how truly beautiful they are and the attraction grows.  If you already know the person well and there is emotional intimacy in your relationship, yet you continue to not feel attracted to them, it is unlikely to be present in the future.  

If you are seriously considering staying in a relationship in which you do not whole-heartedly believe is right for you in every way, come in and talk it through with a counselor.  Sometimes people settle â€" because they do "love" the person and the person wants them.  Over time, however, these unions usually dissolve.  You know how they say that the secret to a successful business is location, location, location â€" well, one might say that the secret to a successful relationship is selection, selection, selection.  If you pick the right person, it makes it much easier to stay committed to that person.  Come learn more at our Living Well Workshop:  Building Better Romantic Relationships on October 4^th from 2:30-3:30 in UC 272.

Dr. Argo

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