Dear Dr. Argo,

I just found out that my girlfriend was raped when she was in high school.  I'm glad she told me, but I don't know what to do now.  She hasn't told her parents and she never reported it to the police.  The guy went to her school and she knows where he is now.  I want her to take action but she has said that she just wants to put it behind her.  I love her and I want to help her, but we seem to disagree on what the right thing to do is.  What do you suggest?

--Loving boyfriend

Dear Loving boyfriend,        

I am so sorry to hear about what happened to your girlfriend.  She must really trust and care about you to share that with you when she hasn't even told her parents.  Since she has placed that trust in you it is important to provide support while you let her make decisions about what to do next.  Sometimes telling one person can move them closer to telling others and to getting help. 

A survey of high school students found that one in five had experienced forced sex (rape).  Half of these girls told no one about the incident (Davis, T.C, Peck G. Q., Storment, J. M., 1993).  It is very common for victims of sexual assault to want to forget it happened and move on quickly.  Most victims report that at some point they either blamed themselves for it happening or tried to deny that what happened to them was rape.  It's likely they do this in part because they don't want to believe that something like this has happened to them.  They also sometimes believe that if they can blame it on themselves then they are in control of whether it happens again in the future.  Moving from being a victim to a survivor can be a long and difficult process.

The most important thing for you to do for your girlfriend is to listen to her, be there for her and encourage her to talk with a professional.  The UWF counseling center provides free, confidential counseling to UWF students.  She can stop by building 19 to schedule an appointment or call 474-2420.  If she is not a student she can receive free, confidential counseling through Lakeview by calling 433-RAPE. 

Many people are outraged when they learn this has happened to someone they love.  They want to do something.  It is best to let your girlfriend decide who she wants to tell and at what time.  Let her do it on her terms.  One way to "do something" meaningful toward ending rape, is to get involved with rape prevention on campus.  Student Health and Wellness Education has a peer educator team called SAFER Team (474-2258) and Break the Silence is a student awareness organization. Both organizations are always looking for volunteers and members.

Best wishes,

Dr. Argo

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