Issue date: 2/1/07 Section: Opinion

Dr. Argo,
I have a problem initiating social situations. Something just doesn't feel right. I can sort of stand it in small groups of people I know, but the feeling is still there nonetheless. Large groups and parties are almost out of the question. This pretty much causes me to isolate myself from most people. It makes me feel discouraged with myself, and I guess that compounds the problem. It also affects my ability to make relationships, which has been a major aspect missing from my life.
The only way that I have found to bring some sort of normalcy is to drink heavily, which I no longer do or enjoy. However, the isolation almost makes me want to go back to drinking just so I can "act right". I obviously cannot become a drunk the rest of my life to act normal. Do you have anything that might help?
Signed,
Social Inept

Dear Social Hopeful,
The fear of engaging socially is not uncommon. In fact, for many, the fears associated with social relations are dreadful.
Sometimes, this is related to a fear of rejection, low self-esteem, lack of social practice, or an inability to read social signals.
I applaud you for monitoring your drinking. Drinking is often used by individuals to mask their fears. We all know that there are many potential negative consequences to self-medicating with alcohol.
There are many factors that may be contributing to your social anxiety. For some, it may be a biological predisposition that makes it hard to relate. For others, it may be the result of past relationships that have proven unsafe or disappointing.
Regardless, there is one piece of advice that I want to bring to your attention. There is some evidence that those who are socially anxious are more likely to assume that others are judgmental.
Those who assume that others are open to individuality and difference are more likely to feel socially at ease. In essence, one's judgmental preconceived notions about others being judgmental can make it hard to engage socially.
Therefore, I encourage you to begin to monitor your expectations. Do you expect that others will judge you? Do you expect that others may reject you? Do you assume that people will not like you? Try to challenge these notions. Encourage yourself to talk openly and honestly about a current event with someone you do not know. Do not react to how they act, just be natural and be you. Start small.
Andrew Carnegie wrote one of the most famous books of all time called, "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Carnegie talked about how he makes connections with people around one theme. If you look hard enough, people usually have something in common to bond around.
Try to find this with people in your dorm, in your classes, or that person standing next to you while you wait in line. You have plenty of similar interests to talk about with people in your classes or others who have the same major.
Practice, persistence, and patience will go a long way. Don't let disappointments weigh down on you. Keep trying, and don't talk yourself out of it.
Sometimes the complications related to social angst may become too overwhelming for one person to manage. Please remember that you can meet with someone in the Counseling Center to help explore this in more detail. All you have to do is call 474-2420 to schedule an appointment.

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