Night out leads to cuffs, comedy

Saturday night was the first time I’ve ever been put in handcuffs. In fact, it was the first time I had ever been slammed to the ground and forcefully shackled for threatening another person with... well, let me start at the beginning.

Saturday night Freedom and I were at Flounder’s and a girl we know was buying us shots at the bar. While we were standing there, she started talking to some little dweeby guy next to us and apparently he slapped her.

Freedom and I jumped in and told him to get lost, but he wouldn’t back down. Then he said he wanted to fight Freedom.

Freedom took a small shot at him and we all jumped in and broke it up.

I pulled the guy away and told him he needed to chill out. My mentality was that we were all a little drunk and we didn’t need to ruin everyone’s night with something lame like a fight.

Then he tried choking me, but I pushed him off and reminded him that I was trying to help him out. That’s when he looked me dead in the eye and called Freedom a n*****.

Here’s where it got interesting. Hearing someone call my best friend the N-word just seemed to activate some kind of strange mouth-slapping reflex I didn’t know about.

It was the weirdest thing. He just kept saying it, and I kept slapping him in the mouth. It was like some kind of race-themed Three Stooges skit.

After a few seconds of that, the bouncer hauled him off. I was still pretty agitated, so I said some things and the security people told me to shut up.

Sure, shutting up is fine, but I had to get the last word. So, just to top off the night, I told the guy if he said it again I’d do something terrible to him that only a proctologist has the right to do to another human being.

This must have terrified the security team and the cop who was there, because they immediately tackled me to the ground and handcuffed me.

I don’t know why — I mean I was just standing in one spot and chuckling to myself. Perhaps they saw me as an imminent danger to the rear ends of everyone around me.

It sucked, though. They broke my pair of silly, fake Buddy Holly glasses too. Jerks.

After a minute or two, they let me stand up and they took the cuffs off. I guess they could tell I wasn’t in a very violent mood or anything. I just thought it was funny more than anything else.

So yeah, that happened. My first time in handcuffs. It almost qualifies as the first fight I’ve ever been in, but it was more of a slapstick routine than a fight, really. The things I do for this column.

Column playlist: Go buy the new Jay-Z record immediately.